Starting Your Divorce the Right Way: A Calm, Informed Approach
Starting the divorce process is emotional and often overwhelming. The way you begin can set the tone for the entire process, impacting your emotional health, your finances, and your future relationship with your children and ex-spouse. That’s why it’s so important to pause, get informed, and make intentional choices from the start.
Know Your Options Before You Act
Before you take any legal steps, it’s essential to understand the different ways to divorce:
- Pro Se (Representing Yourself): You handle your own paperwork, filings, and negotiations without hiring an attorney. This can work for very simple, uncontested cases but it requires time, organization, and comfort with legal processes.
- Collaborative Divorce: Each spouse hires an attorney trained in collaborative law, and you work together in structured meetings to reach agreements without going to court.
- Negotiated Divorce: Each spouse hires their own attorney, and the attorneys communicate on your behalf to negotiate a settlement.
- Mediation: A neutral mediator helps both spouses work through issues and reach a mutually acceptable agreement, often at a lower cost than litigation. Spouses can attend mediation with or without attorneys.
- Litigation: The most traditional and adversarial route, where disputes are decided in court by a judge. This can be necessary in high-conflict or complex cases but is often the most expensive and stressful.
Taking time to understand these options can prevent you from making rushed decisions that may lead to unnecessary conflict or expense.
Why Your First Step Matters
It’s natural to think that “filing first” or “having your spouse served” gives you an advantage. But in many cases, starting with formal court filings can escalate tensions immediately making it harder to communicate, increasing legal fees, and adding stress for you and your children.
Instead, consider exploring out-of-court options first. Know that 95% of cases settle and don't go to trial. Even if you ultimately need to litigate, you’ll begin from a more informed and intentional place.
Manage Your Emotions Before Making Big Decisions
Divorce is emotional. Hurt, anger, and fear can cloud judgment leading to choices that you might regret later. You’ll be faced with many important decisions about your finances, parenting plan, and your future. Acting out of anger or revenge may feel satisfying in the moment but can create long-term problems.
Working with a therapist during this time can help you process the emotions that naturally come with divorce so you can think clearly and stay focused on your long-term well-being.
Think Beyond Today
Every choice you make in divorce has a ripple effect. Before you act, ask yourself:
- How will this decision affect my children?
- Will it bring me closer to my long-term goals?
- Am I reacting out of emotion or making a strategic choice?
A divorce coach can be a valuable ally here helping you clarify your goals, weigh your options, and plan a path forward that aligns with your values and priorities.
Gather the Right Professional Guidance
Once you’ve explored your options and have a sense of how you’d like to move forward, schedule consultations with:
- A divorce attorney to get legal questions answered and understand your rights and obligations.
- A financial professional to assess your current financial picture and plan for your future stability.
These consultations can give you clarity, confidence, and a roadmap for your next steps so you’re not just reacting, you’re leading the process.
Bottom line: The way you start your divorce matters. By educating yourself, managing your emotions, and seeking the right professional support, you can protect your peace, reduce conflict, and set yourself and your family up for a healthier future.